Dodo Eggs

Strength and Happiness through Benefits!
Water fountains, first-aid kits, the jellybeans on Eugene’s desk, carpeted work zones, free smiles, and loads and loads of sarcasm!
This is DodoEggs.com!  Where the employee is not extinct!

Dear DodoEggs.com staff,

Its come to my attention that many of you smoke.  Look, I was one of the cool kids in school.  I know my share of things about the dark mistress.  Which end goes in the mouth and which should be lit is no mystery to me.  I even know where to buy them.

To that end, I am banning cigarettes in our Manhattan high rise. 

I know I’ve tried this policy before but this time I’ve been trained.  Telling me it’s a candy cigarette will not work anymore!  The glowing end is not a bit of dye! 

Last week I attempted accommodate our smokers by restructuring the company’s antiquated departmentalized structure and replacing it with the smoking and non-smoking divisions.  However, having our legal personnel scattered throughout the building with accounting, vice monitoring, marketing, human resources, and all the rest was not a sound business plan.  Now I really can’t find anyone in payroll!

In response, I am calling for a do over.  I had my fingers crossed when I typed up the last policy (thanks to Ursula for clearing up the typos) so I didn’t mean it.  I want everyone to return to his or her departments before you go to lunch.

Here’s my new plan… Cigarettes are not allowed.  Anyone caught smoking cigarettes will be taken out during their lunch break and not allowed to come back inside until they’ve smoked at least three more.  It will help cure your cravings and get it out of your system.  It’s harsh but you’ll never bounce up until you’ve hit the bottom.

As I was saying, compromise is the key to resolving any conflict. 

Cigars smell much better and look really cool.  I am hereby allowing cigar smoking anywhere my employees want.  If cigar smoke bothers you, we will have clean air stations located right outside every doorway.  Feel free to take in the boring air during your breaks.

Of course you could also fight smoke with more smoke!  Try burning incense!  That’s right.  Everyone can now burn incense at their desks but no fruity scented candles!  I will take the fire extinguisher to them!

In an unrelated development, our company’s fire insurance is burning a hole in our budget.  Because of this, your health insurance only covers broken bones on Fridays and will not cover anything for which you have a spare.  In other words, maladies involving your kidneys, lungs, and limbs are hereby not covered.

Love your boss, 
ChiefDodo 

• Staff Memo – Coorporate Dental Policy
• Staff Memo – Coorporate Communications
• Staff Memo – Pot Lucks
• Staff Memo – Employee Manual
• DumbKnuckle – Lesson 5