Male Studies – Letter 9
From the desk of Norm dePlume
Author, Writing Poetry With Terrets Syndrome
Lead Researcher, “Watermelon and Frequent Urination” –
American Medical Club Newsletter (March 2003)
Dear Fellow Professionals,
Our efforts to mold our subject’s behavior have wholly failed. Binko and Zits still exhibit undisciplined, antisocial, and unproductive tendencies. Ergo, we were no closer to a cure for the human pupa stage between high school senior and college junior. We were almost ready to terminate the entire project.
Now a recent breakthrough has been achieved just when we needed it most.
One of the grad students summed up the plan this way, “What we need is someone specialized for each of our subjects. We’ve been trying normal tactics that work on normal people but Binko, Zits, and their species are not normal! We need someone who can communicate with them and motivate them! Someone who’s first reaction isn’t dismissal. What we need to do is call their mothers!”
We contacted those responsible for bringing Zits and Binko into our world. However, these maternal craftsmen who painstakingly wrought babies, to boys, to painfully awkward sub-adults both told us, “No.”
They wanted nothing to do with their children. Zits’s mother wasn’t even sure where he was going to college. She told my grad assistant, “When I last saw him, he was in the video game isle debating the merits of moon powder and pushing little kids away from the demos. I’ll never have grand-babies!”
The most interesting conversation came from Binko’s mom who was eager to talk about her son but not to meet with him. “I did my best to set him up with nice girls and job.
I mean his father runs a lumber company and offered to give him a job. Anyway, once our son was told there was no such thing as splinter proof gloves and that hardware stores don’t stock tweezers, he huffed away.
And he might find a girl if he would just cut that rat’s nest of his! I mean, have you seen it? He grew hair instead of height! What a moron!”
Shocked as we were, we did not let it get into the way of our research. We took photos of thier mothers off the Internet and enlarged them to poster size. We covered depictions of much more attractive women.
We are expecting them to return to their dorm any time.
Until our grant money runs out,
Dr. Norm dePlume
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