Dodo Eggs

To make one pessimist you will need: 

 1 ounce of screw-ups
 3 cups of lima beans
 A pinch-that’s it, a pinch (think about it.)
 One over ripe scowl
 Two moldy fortune cookies

To make an optimist you will need:

 2 sticks of hope
 3 first dates
 A pint of homemade ice cream
 The scent of grandma’s kitchen
 A found twenty-dollar bill

For those people whose wool has already been dyed, you can determine your nature by trying this situation.  Think of it as a litmus test for the acidity of your soul.

Matt was reliving himself in the back stall of the men’s locker room.  It’s 7:30 in the morning and he just stepped down from the lifeguard stand.  The sports complex is an old one.  He is surrounded by corrosion and musty smells but it’s quiet, which is all Matt really wants.

From the front, someone yells, “Is there a Matt in there!”

Matt scowls and begins preparations for early departure but he doesn’t respond.  Who could be bothering him now!?  If Matt were Buddha, he be in the middle of his Zen-serenity thing!

“Is there a Matt Teply in there?”  It’s one of the maintenance ladies. 

“Yes!  What is it?!”

“Your wife called!  She said to call her back it’s really important!”

Matt leaves the locker room and marches to the front desk; confusion sticking to the back of his shoe.  Half way there, the maintenance lady hands a him a note that says, “Matt, call your wife now!  Something important has happened!”

Here’s the test…

The pessimist would be filled with dread.  A million different worse case scenarios would fly through his thinking.  Not one positive output is considered.  His chest tightens and he steels himself for the worst.

The optimist doesn’t know what’s going on.  He fails to assume anything positive or negative.  He runs through his best guesses and when that fails, he simply shrugs.  He picks up the phone wondering what could possibly be so important.

In this situation, Matt was convinced something disastrous had happened. 

When Melissa picked up the phone, she said, “Hey guess what!  I won 100 dollars in gas from the radio station.  I just had to tell someone!

Were you busy when I called?”

Like any coach, general, or engineer, a man needs a plan when approaching an attractive female.  If “Being yourself” was an option, you wouldn’t be wearing all that cologne.  You want the ladies attention and you’re going to need help. 

Social Scenario #1:  You approach a young lady for the first time and want to make an impression.  It’s not completly necessary that it’s a good one.  She turns in your direction with an open look on her face.  Here’s your chance…

Dynamic Quote:  “Hi, I’m the one they call (your first name here).”

Further Application:  Don’t try to be too serious with this just deliver the line with a suppressed grin.  The humor value is amplified by just using your first name.  If you deliver this right, you should earn a slight giggle.

Now if only you could follow it up with a solid conversation…

Social Scenario #2: You’ve succeeded in getting her attention and now it’s time to follow up with a line that ties a knot around her attention.  Whatever you do…DON’T TALK ABOUT YOURSELF!  Let’s face it, you’re not that impressive.

Dynamic Quote:  “A friend of mine told me you were one of the funniest people they know.”

Further Application:  No one, I mean NO ONE can resist finding out who is talking about them.  This young lady will be forced to ask the identity of your informant.  She may even come to pester you.  (You can tell her is was a line on your 50th wedding anniversary.)

Also, this may put her in a self-conscious state.  She now has a reputation she wants to keep up.  There’s a chance she will make an effort to impress YOU.

Social Scenario #3:  You’ve succeeded in starting the conversation.  The next step is to compliment her without having it seem ingenious or sound like a lame line.  This may sound strange but you should try…

Dynamic Quote: “You know, I like the set of your shoulders.  It seems like so many women today slump, but not you.”

 Further Application:  This also makes you seem observant.  Ladies are interested in men who think and notice things that are not as obvious. 

Social Scenario #4:  Things are going well.  She thinks you’re funny and observant.  Seize the conversation completely by getting her to complain or at least discuss her employment.  Most people will not waste an ear that will absorb their complaints.

Dynamic Quote:  “Say, I’ll bet you love your job.”

Further Application:  Well, I hope you like this girl because she’s yours now.

Disclaimers:  Results not warrentied in foreign cultures.  Must have at least a minimum skill bank of social aptitude.  To experience maximum male jealousy, you must be at least as tall as males around you.  Do not attempt to date women who are more than two leagues out of yours.

Open an undergraduate catalogue and you’ll find a million classes on boring topics such as Global Warming and The Middle East – Differentiating 110 Degrees from 105 and The Canadian Revolution – Death Toll and Notable Battles. 

If there is room for these topics, then surly our institutions of inflated learning can offer graduate classes on subjects that truly matter.  In fact, every major’s requirements should bump Speech and Bowling for much more pertinent classes.  For example, Credit- Not The Same as Having Real Money and Slot Machine Math: Why 95% payback still means you lose.

I have even gone through the trouble to craft the curriculum to, Aspects and Behavior of the Wild Dumbknuckle.  If you didn’t know, a dumbknuckle is a sub-species of homo sapiens whose unique brain structure allows for erratic behavior.  Everyone should take this class!   

Until a major college subscribes to my course, I am offering it on-line for free.  All material is taken from real life.  You can submit your answers into the comment section below.

Test #1

Scenario- Matt is running in the park on a cool, fall afternoon.  He is running at his regular pace as he comes up on another man jogging at a slightly slower rate.  Matt says absolutely nothing as he passes the gentleman.  Within a few minutes, the distance between the two runners is such that when Matt turns a corner, he cannot see the slower jogger.

Rounding toward the front of the park Matt hears footsteps rapidly approaching from behind.  The other runner whips by Matt pointing skyward with a proud index finger in the “I’m number one” position.  To top off his performance, he stops at the park entrance and bows to Matt with the flourish of a Broadway performer.

Question #1- What was the other runner thinking?

A. Matt is a talent scout for the Bohemian Olympic Team
B. The runner wanted Matt to get a good look at his bald spot
C. “I won’t accept another participant’s ribbon!”
D. His 268 pound friend was watching from the bed of his pickup.

Question #2- After putting on such a dynamic display, the runner…
 
A. spent the next week reliving the glory over pork rinds and a milkshake.
B. contacting Hollywood screenwriters to write the movie.
C. imagining how fast he could run on three legs.
D. calling Matt and breathing heavily.

Question #3 – A sports broadcaster covering the event would have said,
 
A. “Looks like the crowd forgot to buy tickets to this one.”
B. “Look how well he runs with that extra weight!  Astounding!”
C. “We’re coming to you LIVE from the Extra Special Olympics.”
D.  “Next up for this athlete, Portugal’s Running of the Squirrels.”

Leon interrupted my lunch with, “Hey Matt, I’ve heard Samantha likes you.  Do you like her?”

“Really?”  This was exciting news.  My sophomore year had just begun and there was no better way to start than football practice and a fresh crush.  “How do you know?”

“What do you mean?  ‘How do I know?’  You’re probably the last to find out!”

“Samantha Opeheimer right?  You mean the red head from West River?”

A sarcastic smile zipped across Leon’s face.  “With sixty students at a boarding school, it’s reasonable that you would be confused.  Would it help if I found out her blood type and social security number?”

“Don’t bother yourself.  I know who your talking about.” 

Leon’s eyes widened a bit.  “So?  What are you going to do?”

At that time, I wasn’t sure.  What I eventually did was learn a lesson in natural beauty. 

A week later, Samantha came out for a Saturday breakfast without any make up.  The difference from her “done up” face startled me.  She looked fine with make-up but without the assistance of lip-gloss, mascara, eye shadow, foundation, blush, hair spray, shrink-wrap, and a fresh coat of wax…well…I was less impressed.

It was at that moment I discovered the three immutable laws of natural beauty.

From the above story, you can guess the first.  A girl must maintain at least 66% of her attractiveness regardless of how much makeup she is wearing or how her hair looks.  It’s best to know a girl’s cellar before investing too much in her.  When you wake up in the morning, it’s the cellar you’ll be greeted with not the penthouse.

Rule two is a shade more complicated.  Give your lady friend a long hard look.  (This might work better on a picture of her.  Prolonged staring has been linked to the metal disorders of paranoia and obsessive self-consciousness.)  If you put your hair cut on her, is there ANY chance that she could pass for a guy.  More importantly, does she remind you of a past pal?

I’m proud to boast that the choice I made has such a high cellar she’s practically on stilts.  Melissa doesn’t need a great deal of cosmetic help since it would only distract from her beautiful blue eyes, high cheek bones, and slender neck.

Oh, the third law?  A beautiful woman doesn’t have an Adam’s apple, but you knew that right?

From the desk of Norm dePlume
Author of the groundbreaking, “Anchovies –
Who’s Dumb Idea Were They Anyway?”
Signatory of The PHD Society’s (Profound Hubris Disorder) resolution #665 titled,
“Even our families must call us doctor.  Because we’ve earned it!”

Dear Sirs or Madams,

My team of unpaid grad students and I are now using the scalpel of science to whittle back the layer’s of mystery that so enshroud typical college males.  We’ve been conducting tests on why the smell is so offensive and how their mothers can continue to love them after every other female on the planet patiently rejects them.

Our most recent test circled around modifying their behavior.  It is our hope to hasten these useless sponges into maturity.  This would give them a greater length of time as productive citizens before they retire to their children’s home. 

Also taken into consideration is the renewal of this study’s grant.  I need to show some progress with these slobs and fast.  If you’re reading this, Mr. Swan, I’m doing everything I can!  These grad kids treat me like I’m some sort of god!  I cannot live without them!  You’ve got to believe me!

Note to secretary:  Rewrite the last paragraph to make it sound more professional.  (Dr. DeP)

In order to try modifying Zit’s behavior, we have installed a mechanized monkey with wings and a blue vest.  It moves along the ceiling of their dorm room on narrow steel tracks that come and go from a sheet metal box we call the monkey’s den.  The den is built into one side of the wall next to the ceiling.

It’s a project we have titled, “Monkey Business.” 

We chose Zits as our subject largely because he spends so much of his time inside the dorm room.  He comes into contact with almost zero social circumstances, which makes him the perfect control test for behavior modification. 

When the monkey is hidden inside the monkey’s den, we place bags of candy, small denominations of money, and snack chips in its arms.  When Zits does something commendable, such as washing or dressing with clean clothes, the flying monkey pops out of his box dropping rewards.

Monkey Business was working well.  Zits was learning to comb his hair and was almost speaking in complete sentences when Binko decided he wanted to become a part of the experiment.  Binko became belligerent as the monkey continued to ignore his equal efforts at good hygiene. 

Two weeks into Zit’s behavior modification, Binko decided to take the cream filled snack cakes from the monkey by any means necessary. 

Zits returned from his tenth shower in as many days and, as programmed, the monkey came out with the cakes clasped in its tiny mechanical hands.  Binko launched into another angry tirade against the monkey’s twisted sense of justice.  Then he pulled out a pellet gun he had smuggled onto campus and brought monkey business to the earth. 

Zits shrugged and said, “It wasn’t worth it anyway.”

We’re not sure if, given more time, we could have completely recast Zit’s behavior set.   We will be unable to pick up research of this nature again for some time.  The expense involved is proving prohibitive especially with all the junk food my grad students were eating.

We will maintain our correspondence,

Dr. Norm dePlume