Interview with WAYS
Miss Nomer: “Good day and welcome to another old-edge, sharp-school investigative interrogation. I’m Miss Nomer an exclusive correspondent to DodoEggs.com. No one else brings the life of F list celebrities, pan flashes, and wanna bes with such precision.
Today, my guests are three of the headliners for the kid friendly freak show known as WAYS, which stands for Wow, Are You Stupid. My guest names are Joe Yidden, Daniel Murphy, and Hybib Azerbij.
Hi guys. Why don’t you begin by telling us what unique talent you have that allows you to perform with such a popular group?”
(All three laugh nervously) Joe: “Ok, I guess I’ll get started. I still can’t tell my left from my right. It’s true. People give me directions all the time and I just have to nod like a broke in bobblehead.”
Daniel: “Yea, I’m forty-three and a standard analogue clock still doesn’t make any sense. I don’t know why we have to cut the day into twenty-four hours then put only twelve on a clock! And what’s this deal with measuring a day with seconds, minutes, and hours at the same time?! Give me a break, right?!”
Hybib: “Ok, my turn? Ok, and mine is the freakiest of them all. I still don’t know my multiplication tables.” (Nods then drops his head.) “Yes, it’s very true.”
Miss Nomer: “Great, well then what types of groups do you perform for?”
Daniel: “We mostly perform for schools and places like that. Schools with a lot of low achievers enjoy us a lot. You know, seeing freaks like the three of us really boosts their self-esteem which is a school’s most important job.”
Hybib: “Yes, and sometimes we really touch a kid who is struggling with the same ridiculous handicaps we do. We recently told an ugly seventh grade kid to start his own performance group because right now each of us is pulling in almost twenty thousand a year.” (Grunts of approval from Daniel and Joe. Awkward high fives.)
Miss Nomer: “Hybib, you seem very comfortable with the fact that you’re an imbecile. Why?”
Hybib: “It’s a matter of principle. Ok, I learned to add and loved it. It was dependable and steady. So when my teacher tells me about something that’s fast and easy it just felt dirty to me. Yes, I decided not to cheat on my first love.”
Joe: “Liar, when you were called to the front to recite them you cracked like a wet noodle. I’ll prove it. What’s 2 *2?”
Hybib: “4!”
Daniel: “Joe, you moron! That’s one’s the same as addition! He knows that one!”
Miss Nomar: “That’s ok guys, I believe you. Let’s move on to you Joe. Left and right? What’s the big deal?”
Joe: “It’s no simple matter. I mean you look at both hands and what’s different? Let’s see, four fingers, a thumb, and even matching warts!”
Miss Nomar: “So why don’t you just tie a ribbon to your right hand or wear a ring?”
Daniel: “He keeps forgetting what the ring represents! You should see him staring at it and mumbling to himself!” (Changes tone to mock Joe) “Uh, I just can’t seem to remember, uh.”
Joe: (Obviously upset) “Well, either one makes a pretty good fist!”
Miss Nomar: “Easy guys! It’s ok! Joe is there anything you wanted to add?”
Joe: “I just wanted to say it ain’t easy. I’ve taken girls to swank places for a night of dancing and once the Hokey Pokey comes on, well, I’m screwed. Date over!”
Miss Nomar: “That’s ok Joe. You really shouldn’t be procreating anyway.” (Hybib and Daniel nod in agreement.) “So Daniel, analogue clocks huh?”
Daniel: “Have you seen a digital clock? The time is right there for everyone to easily read! If it’s twelve twenty-two, then that’s what it says!
I really believe knowing the correct time is a civil right protected by the Constitution. Having to read some silly dial is like having a toll to cross a road or a valid ID to vote. These are fetters that create an excessive burden on stupid folks like me! I’m sick of loosing face and having my hands tied!”
(Joe, Hybib, and Miss Nomar snicker)
Daniel: “Oh, you think that’s funny how about if I go Roman Numeral on you?”
(Daniel strikes Hybib. Joe throws the wrong fist and knocks Miss Nomar’s tape recorder off the table ending the interview.)
July 29th, 2008 at 2:26 pm
is it bad if I can relate to all these guys? I sometimes have to hold up the letter L using my left hand to remember which way to turn if someone is telling me to turn left… Also, I am sad to admit that I have trouble with multiplication tables, I blame that on my elementary teachers though. They didnt make us do them enough!! And I also need to say that maybe someday reading a non-digital clock will be something only the older generation will be able to do! kinda like how quilting is slowly becoming something not very many people know how to do! Maybe that sounds ludacris but hey this is America and we are lazy…
jk – kinda.