Dodo Eggs

Here’s a quick book idea for anyone interested in doing the necessary research…The Encyclopedia of Sarcasm, Abusive Idioms, and Leveling Put Downs.  Written with humorous definitions and specific examples this could rocket to everyone’smost popular bathroom reading.  Heck, sitcoms have lived for hundreds of years force feeding it to audiences by the spoonful.

I’ve considered doing it but I’d end up quoting Matt Teply 389 times.  For instance…

Situation #1:  Your coworker has waltzed into your office to complain about the latest “dandruff-free” policy at your place of employment and how this chains him to white shirts even after Labor Day.  With your screen turned away from him, you start typing profantiy in the middle of your draft. 

This dolt then tells you about the speeding ticket he was tagged with this morning in his $67,000 dollar SUV.  He tells you it’s an expence he, “Just can’t afford.”  Well, look out beans and rice!

He finishes with a quick rant on taxes, the efficiency of government programs, the inconvenient orbit of Jupiter, or some other fact of life you can do nothing about.

Quotation:  “You make more noise than a squeak toy on a po-go stick.”

Additional Application:  This playful one liner is the smoothest way to tell someone to shut-up.  Its down-home appeal adds a humorous effect.  So innocuous, you could even us it on your grandma when she’s listing her health problems.

Situation #2:  You’re a male getting dressed for church, a night out, or special event.  Your wife is trying on clothes and is working herself into an “I’m self-conscious about how I look in all of my clothes” tizzy.  You need to diffuse her spiral with something other than half hearted assurances of her everlasting beauty.

Quotation:  “Does this shirt make my pectorals look too big?”

Additional Application:  The poison question every woman asks has a million variations.  Try experimenting with your own and avoid using it more than once.  How about, “Does this polo knit make me look pregnant?”

Situation #3:  A Student and/or subordinate in your charge isn’t accomplishing anything.  Perhaps they are taking too long for lunch or they are just sitting in front of their computer screen.   

Quotation:  “So this is your world famous houseplant impression?”

Additional Application:  Works wonders as a one-liner for friends who told you they would help you move then sit around eating all the snack foods and pizza you’ve set out.

Situation #4:  Your wife is pregnant and is suffering from the goodie bag of assorted maladies that come with a body turned construction site.  You want to help but you know there’s really nothing you can do after getting her water and a heating pad.  Try…

Quotation:  “Just remember darling, you’re having MY baby.  Doesn’t that make you feel better?”

Additional Application:  If your wife has even a shade of humor left about her…she’ll still kill you.  But I’m begging you.  Do it anyway.  You’ll all have a good laugh at the 50th wedding anniversary of your next marriage.     

• The Platinum Tongue
• Lead Laced Tongue
• The Lead Tongue
• The Tungsten Tongue
• Childish Reasoning