Male Studies – Letter 8
From the Desk of Norm dePlume
Dakota University – Medora Branch
Winner, DUMB’s Most Incomprehensible Syllabus Competition
Recognized as One of America’s Worst Groomed Intellectuals
To My Colleagues,
We’ve been able to take our research to the next degree. Amidst the avalanche of neon paperwork that publicizes college bands and parties, one with a very significant typo found its way into Binko’s hands. The bulletin announced a coming fraternity party but instead of saying “Greeks Only” it said, “Geeks Only.”
Binko burst into his dorm room with every observable indicator of excitement. He even dared to flutter the notice between Zits and his computer screen. This is the only known way to rouse any belligerent reaction from Zits. In this case, Zits simply reached up and crumpled the paper.
Binko protested. “What are you doing? Stop it! That’s my ticket to hot women and fast times!”
Zits turned slowly from his game and gave Binko a deadpan look. “I still see the same feeble offering that has been turning girl’s heads the other direction for a semester now. And the pheromones you ordered from that comic book spilt and now we have almost ten thousand mice!”
“But these woman could be intoxicated! It’ll be dark. I’m three times better looking in the dark.”
Zits declined the offer leaving Binko to try the social extravaganza on his own.
I recruited two members of my study team and secured entry to the party for them.
Note to Auditor: The $258 dollars in grant money spent on alcohol was for this purpose. Please remember, most grad students have a low attractiveness rating and I had to make the fraternity a serious offer.
Here, Binko made an important adaptation. He approached the party from the back where the band entered. Binko was dressed in boots, a black T-shirt, and khaki shorts. He was still noticeably shorter and less visibly appealing but his camouflage was enough to gain entrance. Binko simply picked up a speaker and slid in through the rear doors.
The remainder of the evening went less successfully. Flushed with his initial success, Binko began advancing on three women at a time, saying, “I’m in the band,” and offering himself like a cheese platter. The kind hearted ladies laughed; others took defensive positions behind furniture.
At the Control Center, the video from our agent’s cameras brought a few to an emotional reaction. They were distressed to watch Binko experience rejection after rejection many times before he was able to get a word out.
“This is just like watching a nature show where you want the cute little antelope to escape the lion but you know it won’t. Or the little mice chewing on a bit of corn becomes lunch for a mean snake. Only Binko isn’t cute but it still hurts to watch.”
Binko’s long hair and well-developed coping skills will allow him to survive. For the Male Research Team, it was another lesson in Nature’s uncompromising ways.
On behalf of the my team,
Dr. Norm dePlume
July 17th, 2008 at 4:45 pm
Your male studies column is hilarious. You write comedy extremely well. You ought to submit some of this stuff to the paper – no joke.