Dodo Eggs

Leon interrupted my lunch with, “Hey Matt, I’ve heard Samantha likes you.  Do you like her?”

“Really?”  This was exciting news.  My sophomore year had just begun and there was no better way to start than football practice and a fresh crush.  “How do you know?”

“What do you mean?  ‘How do I know?’  You’re probably the last to find out!”

“Samantha Opeheimer right?  You mean the red head from West River?”

A sarcastic smile zipped across Leon’s face.  “With sixty students at a boarding school, it’s reasonable that you would be confused.  Would it help if I found out her blood type and social security number?”

“Don’t bother yourself.  I know who your talking about.” 

Leon’s eyes widened a bit.  “So?  What are you going to do?”

At that time, I wasn’t sure.  What I eventually did was learn a lesson in natural beauty. 

A week later, Samantha came out for a Saturday breakfast without any make up.  The difference from her “done up” face startled me.  She looked fine with make-up but without the assistance of lip-gloss, mascara, eye shadow, foundation, blush, hair spray, shrink-wrap, and a fresh coat of wax…well…I was less impressed.

It was at that moment I discovered the three immutable laws of natural beauty.

From the above story, you can guess the first.  A girl must maintain at least 66% of her attractiveness regardless of how much makeup she is wearing or how her hair looks.  It’s best to know a girl’s cellar before investing too much in her.  When you wake up in the morning, it’s the cellar you’ll be greeted with not the penthouse.

Rule two is a shade more complicated.  Give your lady friend a long hard look.  (This might work better on a picture of her.  Prolonged staring has been linked to the metal disorders of paranoia and obsessive self-consciousness.)  If you put your hair cut on her, is there ANY chance that she could pass for a guy.  More importantly, does she remind you of a past pal?

I’m proud to boast that the choice I made has such a high cellar she’s practically on stilts.  Melissa doesn’t need a great deal of cosmetic help since it would only distract from her beautiful blue eyes, high cheek bones, and slender neck.

Oh, the third law?  A beautiful woman doesn’t have an Adam’s apple, but you knew that right?

• Interview with Tim Smit
• Constructing the Drama (1)
• A Roach’s Tail
• Armed with Dodo Eggs
• Latent Heat