Male Studies – Letter 7
From the desk of Norm dePlume
Author of the groundbreaking, “Anchovies –
Who’s Dumb Idea Were They Anyway?”
Signatory of The PHD Society’s (Profound Hubris Disorder) resolution #665 titled,
“Even our families must call us doctor. Because we’ve earned it!”
Dear Sirs or Madams,
My team of unpaid grad students and I are now using the scalpel of science to whittle back the layer’s of mystery that so enshroud typical college males. We’ve been conducting tests on why the smell is so offensive and how their mothers can continue to love them after every other female on the planet patiently rejects them.
Our most recent test circled around modifying their behavior. It is our hope to hasten these useless sponges into maturity. This would give them a greater length of time as productive citizens before they retire to their children’s home.
Also taken into consideration is the renewal of this study’s grant. I need to show some progress with these slobs and fast. If you’re reading this, Mr. Swan, I’m doing everything I can! These grad kids treat me like I’m some sort of god! I cannot live without them! You’ve got to believe me!
Note to secretary: Rewrite the last paragraph to make it sound more professional. (Dr. DeP)
In order to try modifying Zit’s behavior, we have installed a mechanized monkey with wings and a blue vest. It moves along the ceiling of their dorm room on narrow steel tracks that come and go from a sheet metal box we call the monkey’s den. The den is built into one side of the wall next to the ceiling.
It’s a project we have titled, “Monkey Business.”
We chose Zits as our subject largely because he spends so much of his time inside the dorm room. He comes into contact with almost zero social circumstances, which makes him the perfect control test for behavior modification.
When the monkey is hidden inside the monkey’s den, we place bags of candy, small denominations of money, and snack chips in its arms. When Zits does something commendable, such as washing or dressing with clean clothes, the flying monkey pops out of his box dropping rewards.
Monkey Business was working well. Zits was learning to comb his hair and was almost speaking in complete sentences when Binko decided he wanted to become a part of the experiment. Binko became belligerent as the monkey continued to ignore his equal efforts at good hygiene.
Two weeks into Zit’s behavior modification, Binko decided to take the cream filled snack cakes from the monkey by any means necessary.
Zits returned from his tenth shower in as many days and, as programmed, the monkey came out with the cakes clasped in its tiny mechanical hands. Binko launched into another angry tirade against the monkey’s twisted sense of justice. Then he pulled out a pellet gun he had smuggled onto campus and brought monkey business to the earth.
Zits shrugged and said, “It wasn’t worth it anyway.”
We’re not sure if, given more time, we could have completely recast Zit’s behavior set. We will be unable to pick up research of this nature again for some time. The expense involved is proving prohibitive especially with all the junk food my grad students were eating.
We will maintain our correspondence,
Dr. Norm dePlume
Leave a Reply