Archive for June, 2008

Male Studies (Letter 4)

by Matt Teply on Friday, June 6th, 2008

From the Desk of Norm dePlume, 
Professor of Astro-Biology and Extra Terrestrial Linguistics
Recipient, Participant’s Ribbon from the Nobel Junior Scientists Council, 2004

Sirs or Madams,

We have functionally titled our study of the typical college male, Statistical & Technical Initiative for Non-popular Knuckleheads.  Interestingly enough, we call it project STINK.

The test males, Binko and Zits, have proved exceptionally adept at neglecting the personal growth they should be experiencing during one’s college experience.  Instead of traveling, meeting new people, and experiencing the full spectrum of life’s offerings, they prefer their darkened dorm room and the decomposing world of role-playing games. 

As one staff member said, “They’re mushrooms with body hair.”

In order to truly test the decidedly shallow nature of Zits and Binko’s relationship, we removed Binko for a period of four days.  An attractive female currier was sent to deliver a letter on behalf the Fecal Stain Fan Club.  It promised four nights in a two star hotel and all the pizza he could eat for a few short promotional appearances. 

Without a second of rational thought (his band, Fecal Stain, had yet to release an album), Binko raced to the hotel. 

A highly trained lab chimp named Tum-Tum was then dressed in a long wig and ugly T-shirt.   Tum-Tum was released in the dorm room where it began swinging from the bunk beds.  It then preceded picking and eating mites off of the back of Binko’s pillow.  

Once Zits returned to the dorm Tum-Tum threw the covers over its head.  It’s the learned response most closely associated with horror and disgust.

“Hey dude, I’ve got some extra mini burgers or two.  There right here when you wake up.”

Zits tossed the paper bag onto the bed with Tum-Tum.  Then Zits turned his attention to his computer. 

With the offering of food, Tum-Tum’s revulsion changed to curiosity.  Without taking off the wrappers, the primate ate the mini burgers then waddled over to kiss Zits’ hand.  Kissing the hand was a learned response for gratitude.

“Dude, stop it!  I’m on level seventy-two with a sixteenth strata knight casting a black arts level fifteen spell! You know what this means to me!”

Tum-Tum released Zits’ hand after becoming over stimulated by the fantastic images and colors on the computer monitor.  The chimp later flipped through the level seventy-one game guide almost appearing as if it understood. 

Unfortunately, we needed to conclude the test after only two days.  Zits had managed to undo years of training by our animal psychologists.  Currently, Tum-Tum only picks his nose and refuses to eat anything unless it’s covered in a stomach turning hybrid known as “chili-cheese.”

At no point during the test did Zits notice his roommate had been replaced with a chimpanzee. 

Our study showed young males possess an incredible ability to focus on a single goal.  However, their lack of judgment seems to draw them towards pursuits with the least estimable value.

        Further information forthcoming,
 

 

                        Dr. Norm dePlume

Redirected Proposal

by Matt Teply on Thursday, June 5th, 2008

My mother-in-law was strong willed, opinionated, stubborn, and vastly concerned about the well being of her daughters.  These are features that are harmless if fenced by appropriate boundaries, but I was a young suitor still working to win the favor of his girlfriend’s family.  I was putty in the wrong hands.

The original plan was straight out of my textbook.  I wrote a note in bold letters asking, “Would you marry me?”  This was slipped into an envelope with a short cut in the upper corner near the stamp.  The opening was the same diameter as the ring. 

“Ok, Mrs. Morgan, here’s what I want to do.  I’m going to mail you the letter.  Please make sure Melissa doesn’t see it.  When I get there for supper that night, I’ll take the letter and slip the ring inside it.  Then you can tell Melissa that a letter has come for her.”

The receiver was quiet for a second.  “Um, then what?”

“She’ll open it and the ring will fall out!  She’ll think I was stupid enough to mail the ring!”  I was flush with my own genius.  “So, what do you think?”

This time the receiver was quiet for two seconds.  “I don’t think that’s what Melissa would want.  Why don’t you do something more traditional?”

The plan was simplified and made stale.  Melissa and I drove to the church campus where we first kissed and I proposed there under the watchful eyes of the church security van.  Then we drove to our favorite restaurant for a romantic Italian meal that went nicely with our palpable excitement.

“You know, I had a totally different plan for asking you to marry me.”  I related my half brained idea then finished with, “But your mother thankfully talked me out of it.”

I related my plan and Melissa’s face contorted a bit.  “Well, I would have liked what you came up with, after all that’s you.”

We continued our meal.  Right before the desert, Melissa leaned toward me and said,”From here on out, let’s not have my mother co-sign on everyone of our most precious memories.”

 

Eggshells

by Matt Teply on Wednesday, June 4th, 2008

Dodo Eggshells are something like a pile of building blocks that gathers at the bottom of a toy box.  None of them are from the same set.  They’re all different colors and sizes but if you piece them together just right you can build such dynamic things like…a wall, a tower, a lopsided pyramid, and modern art.

These are the broken pieces of dodo eggs that never quite made it.

Eggshell #1- The more you practice something the better you become, right?  If this is the case, THEN WHY CAN’T I GET ANY BETTER AT MRS. PACMAN!  I’ve been playing the game since I was twelve and I still stink.  But I cannot leave her, I love her too much.

Eggshell #2- Does it affect a couple’s excitement at adoption if they see pictures of the child’s parents and they look like mug shots of Humpty Dumpty and Quasimoto?

Eggshell #3- Women have a limited excuse for being moody.  Men do not.  Working with a moody man is as frustrating as playing cards with a deck of 51.

Eggshell #4- Do you realize that two people having a sensitive conversation can spontaneously generate words or odd analogies for the male anatomy?  And yet, everyone knows what they mean?  

First Baseball Player:  “Yea man, the ball seemed to slip right through my glove.  It wound up hitting me in my campachos.”

Second Baseball Player:  “I know exactly what you mean.  I’ve been hit in the watermelon patch myself.  Hurts like heck.”

Eggshell #5- What do you think would happen if you wore a polka-dotted shirt to an Amish funeral?

Eggshell #6- Spanish must be a difficult language indeed if they need to use so many words for the same item.  Is there anything wider than a hair’s width of difference between a burrito, flautos, enchilada, fajita, quesadilla, chimichanga, tamale and gordita?  Moo-E Loco.

Eggshell #7- I would have thought that the “plain” potato chip would have gone the way of the dodo by now.  Let’s face it, when you walk down the snack isle at the grocery store you are offered dill pickle, nacho cheese, sour cream and onion, ranch, and everything else. 

With so many suitors, surly one suits your tastes!  Why would you choose a bag of just plain chips?!  Why use dip when so many have flavor already on the chips?  Find a favorite!  Quit buying dull potato chips!

Ioda – The Mischievous Dragon (Part 1)

by Matt Teply on Tuesday, June 3rd, 2008

Kabao ran through the forest fighting the night’s darkness and hard rain.  The branches swayed along with the wind’s terrible howl.  Her clothes were wet with the chill seeping to her bones.  She had caught a glimpse of the goat running this way and with luck she would soon catch it.

The gate where she kept her small number of goats had been blown open by the storm.  Echoing thunder and lightning bothered the animals but usually didn’t throw them into the panic her flock was in when she arrived.  Kabao managed to capture most but this last one made it all the way to the woods.

Above Kabao’s head, illuminated only when lighting lit the sky, was one of China’s magic dragoon’s.  It’s large head and serpentine body weaved just above the treetops swimming through the storm as a snake.  Its name was Ioda.

The dragon peeked through the trees watching with amusement as the peasant woman chased her goat.  It was the dragon, not the storm that opened the gate.  Ioda’s jade teeth, fore claws, and eyes sent the animals into a panic not the lightning.

“She is close to catching the billy.”  The dragon thought.  “If I am to have anymore fun with this chase perhaps it’s time I sent it moving in the other direction.”

Shrinking in size to only fifteen arm lengths, the dragon dipped into the trees.  With the speed of a falcon, it snatched the goat with one claw then coiled below the next rise.

Kabao was fighting for breath and praying that she would catch her goat soon.  She ran over a swell in the land and was ambushed by the dragon’s wide maw.  She let out a scream and fell backward onto the wet ground.

The dragon reared up and laughed.  Thunder and the dragon’s roar mingled further freighting Kabao.  After a moment, Ioda blew a huge plume of green fire into the sky.  The storm responded by calming into a drizzle.

Ioda bent its head down to Kabao, it’s lips bent back into a satisfied grin.  “Woman, why are you running after your animals during such a storm?  Is your husband still cozy in his bed?”

“I have no husband.  The farm I live on belongs to me but is in my brother’s name.  Only after I marry will I truly have it.  And my brother forbids it.  He wishes the land for his own heirs.”

The dragon’s jade eyes looked hard into Kabao’s soul.  Dragons do not see as normal people.  When a soul is present, they are unable to see the natural appearance even through a reflection.  Dragons care nothing about the physical appearance.  It is part of their magic to view only the very structure of the soul.

Kabao appeared as a medley of strong colors.  Under the fear and shock, Ioda could see intelligence, character, and loneliness.  This woman had a beautiful spirit.

The dragon reared back transforming into a man with one hand still on the goat.  “My name is Ioda.  My lady, what is yours?”

“I am Kabao.”  She took a step back, unsure what would happen next.

“Kabao, I will be your husband.  My hundreds of years as a dragon have become a bit boring.  I wish to taste life as a human.”

“But why would a creature as powerful as a dragon ever agree to become human?”

Ioda grinned again, this time with only a touch of additional warmth.  “I wish a son.  I want to experience what only humans can.  You see, dragons are born only when unfiltered moonlight threads together with a powerful bolt of lighting.  It is a magical process and very rare.”

Kabao looked upon Ioda’s new form.  He was a good-looking man with broad shoulders and a straight back.  The only thing that marked him as different was the powerful green color to his eyes.  Even now in the middle of a darkened forest, they glowed like vibrant jade.

“But what about my brother?”

Ioda stepped forward and took her hand.  “We dragons have amazing good fortune and can grant many wishes.  I think your brother will find his life much improved without keeping the yoke across your shoulders.”

A year later, a son was born to Ioda and Kabao.  The boy was large and healthy with eyes that were the same blazing shade of green as his father.  They named him Tzen.

And yet, human life eventually lost its appeal for Ioda.  His magic and good fortune made the farm profitable but life as a human was still hard work.  Tzen grew but was much more human in characteristics than Ioda had hoped. 

While dragons lived for hundreds of years and had access to many magic powers, the boy would grow old like his mother and eventually die.  Ioda’s mischievous spirit overtook him and he decided to leave.

One evening after Tzen was put to bed, Ioda invited Kabao to talk with him outside their home.

“Kabao,” He began.  “It is time I returned to my old ways.  Life as a human is hard and I have had my fill.  I wish to stretch my body between the earth and sky.  You may marry again for I will not return.”

Ioda’s eyes flashed green and his body morphed into the massive dragon he once was. 

“No!”  Kabao screamed and jumped at Ioda.  She grabbed one of the dragon’s long black whiskers and would not let go.  “You cannot leave!  You have made obligations to me and to our son!”
   
Ioda gave a chuckle that sounded like large drums.  “Woman, a dragon kind cannot be leashed by human bounds or ideas.  Now release my whisker.” 

“Your son has yet to grow!  He needs his father!  You cannot leave him like this!”

“Very well,” Ioda took his jaded claw to his muzzle and twisted off the whisker from which Kabao clung.  “I hoped that my son would be dragon in shape and power but now I see that is impossible.  The whisker is my final gift.  It holds a portion of my powers.  The whisker is impervious as I am and will bring the boy good fortune all of his days.”

Before Kabao could reach him again, Ioda uncoiled into the sky like ribbon.  The dragon was gone a second later.  Kabao was alone with only the six-foot whisker lying across her palms.

Ioda – The Mischievous Dragon (Part 2)

by Matt Teply on Tuesday, June 3rd, 2008

Years passed, Tzen grew and Kabao remarried.  Kabao’s second husband was a good man who adapted Tzen as one of his own.  But as he reached adulthood, it was clear Tzen was nothing like his half brothers and sisters.

Tzen’s eyes were a fantastic shade of a jade-like green.  The young man had the dragon’s vision as well.  Instead of flesh and bone, people were outlined with indescribable colors that represented every thread of the human soul.  Tzen knew the color of heartbreak, integrity, affection, hate, and remorse.  He could judge men’s character with only a moment’s glance.

The only faces he saw were those of the dead.  Those whose souls were gone and only the body remained.

Even using a mirror, Tzen never knew what he looked like.  He came to put very little value in his appearance.  He wore his hair long and rarely shaved his face at all.

The dragon’s sense of beauty also inhabited Tzen’s mind.  Using the narrow end of Ioda’s whisker, he would script the most beautiful poetry.  He stretched the ability of the Chinese language in order to describe the true essence of the human spirit.

The rest of the dragon’s whisker was looped over Tzen’s shoulder and around his waist where it served him as a belt.
 
Ioda’s gift did indeed bring Tzen good fortune.  The governor of the Xiolin province delighted in Tzen’s talents.  The governor invited Tzen to live in his court to be his chief scribe and councilor. 

One day, ministers from the Emperor’s Palace in Shanghi began appearing at the court of Xiolin’s governor.  Tzen had never before seen such a motley group of fools.  Their spirits were covered in pride and ignorance.  They proclaimed changes in the country’s laws. 

They were ridiculous decrees such as shortening the hems for all officials by six inches and lengthening the cuffs by the same amount.  Some were contradictory.  Others nullified laws that had come into effect only months previously.

This confusion and the sorry men the Emperor was using worried Tzen.  “With barbarian’s prowling at China’s borders, the emperor is spending his time chasing cats and collaring birds.  But worst of all are these emissaries that wear the imperial colors.  They are buffoons!”

The latest group of officials was the worst.  They make a mockery of the governor’s hospitality sending back their roast pork three times and demanding all the best accommodations. 

The words they brought from the Emperor were just as disheartening.  “Tzen, you are called to the Emperor’s court.  Your poetry has reached his ears.  Now he wants you as a member of his court.  We are to be there in a week.”

Tzen arrived in Shanghi amidst a festival of confusion.  Poets, storytellers, musicians, and singers stood on street corners shouting their work to every passerby.  Much of the work was poor and obnoxious to the ears. 

“What is the meaning of this?  Why do the arts suffer at the hands of so many unskilled craftsmen?”

An official colored by arrogance and little else, replied, “One year of required service in the army has been changed to one year of arts performing.  The Emperor has a fine ear for wordsmiths and wants to pick the finest from every man.  We have generals who check on their men everyday rating their work.”

Tzen was furious.  “True poetry is not drawn forth like water from a pump!  It is like a spring that erupts fresh and cool from the rock of the earth!  Most generals know nothing about the scripted word.”

With a raised eyebrow, the official responded, “Are you questioning the son of heaven?”

Inside the palace, Tzen was allowed a bath and change of clothes.  He shaved his long beard and oiled his hair.  He was given the red robe of a royal currier with gold embroidery around the hem and collar.

The Emperor’s inner court was as loud as the streets.  Ministers, generals, and governors stood in small groups yelling to the attendants.  They were bidding for the chance to address the emperor who sat on an elevated throne seemingly unaware of the chaos in his court. 

One of the attendants drew a number from a porcelain vase shouting it above the din.  The minister whose number was drawn would approach the throne.  A gong sounded and all quieted as the lucky minister made his case.
 
Tzen had never seen such a collection to idiots.  He saw the self-seeking, the cowardly, the stupid, and every other type of vice common to men.  Tzen expected to look upon the emperor with even greater contempt but was instead shocked by what he saw.   The emperor was blanketed with wisdom, understanding, and good fortune. 

He looked again.  Floods of mischief and amusement continually overwhelmed his soul and hiding his good sense.  It took Tzen a moment before he recognized the Emperor as the Chinese dragon Ioda.

Ioda was focused on the current minister and had yet to notice Tzen’s presence.  The dragon in human form nodded then shook his head one reaction after another confusing the pleading minister.  Ioda’s soul colored like that of a new rose petal, he was having fun.

“That is the purpose of this.”  Tzen thought.  “The dragon is tying China into a useless knot just to amuse himself!  He has replaced every wise minister in China with a collection of fools!”

The gong sounded again.  The attendant behind Tzen pushed him in the direction of the throne.  “If I am presented before Ioda, he will recognize my soul!  I must disguise my heart.”

Tzen cleared his mind of everything but amusement and wonder.  He hid the wisdom of his heart and thought only of the chatter of monkeys.

“Mighty and wise Emperor!  We have brought before you the poet of Xiolin Province!”

Tzen closed his eyes and kept his thoughts on peace.  He went to his knees and crawled to the steps of the emperor’s throne with his head bowed.  “Great Lord!  How pleased I am to serve you, oh Son of Heaven!  What is your wish?”

Ioda studied Tzen.  He saw traces of good sense and fortune.

“This one may be no fun at all!”  Ioda thought.  “Only idiots amuse me.  And yet simple amusement taints his soul, I will give him the opportunity to impress me.”

Ioda looked down at Tzen.  “You shall present me with an amusing story tomorrow morning.  I want a story of foolish people and the folly they amass.  I will enjoy it over my breakfast.  If it does not amuse me, you will be sent back to Xiolin tied to the back of a wild horse.”

“Yes, my lord.”  Tzen backed away slowly making sure to mask his soul with appreciation.

Ioda – The Mischievous Dragon (Part 3)

by Matt Teply on Tuesday, June 3rd, 2008

A plan came to Tzen almost immediately.  “My father is a god of mischief and trouble.  His power to do evil is nearly endless.  Dragons are impervious to blades, spears, and poisons.  Only by his thirst for trouble can he be manipulated.”  

Tzen undid his belt a bit freeing the narrow portion of the dragon whisker.  He sat at the writing desk in his chamber.  The whisker was looped over the shoulder of his writing hand and the tip was placed into the bottle of ink.  With perfect calligraphy he began to write.
  
The next morning a guard knocked on Tzen’s door.  “Bring your work poet.  The Emperor wants to be entertained while he eats his grapefruit.”

Tzen had not slept at all.  He had worked all night preparing a story that would save his land and people from being the dragon’s toy.  It was finished just as the sun rose.  Tzen gathered the rice paper and began following the guard to the Emperor’s quarters.

Ioda was sitting in a gold studded chair lined with silk. He was fully dressed even at this early hour.  “Welcome poet, stand near the door.  You have a strong reputation amongst your own people.  This is also true among the royal storytellers.  Now you get to amuse me.  Begin.”

Tzen covered his soul with fear.  It was what Ioda would be looking for and the best disguise.  “Lord, I passed through a small village of ignorant people on the road here.  Their silly behavior has inspired my story.  I have titled it after the village’s name Shan-do.”

The story centered on an evil goblin that could change his body to gold.  To cause turmoil, the goblin crept into the cottage of the village elder and made himself into a gold statue of the local god.  The elder was thrilled to have been so blessed and word spread through the village of his good fortune. 

The next night the goblin relaxed his form and crept to the neighbor’s house.  He sat under the villager’s bed and recast his body in gold. 

The next morning the elder found his golden stature missing and had his men search every home.  When the stature was found under the neighbor’s bed, the elder had the man thrown into prison.

Two nights later, the goblin entered another man’s house and hid in his pantry.  The elder again had the village searched and another man was thrown into prison.

Over and over the goblin played his game and over and over the elder had his good but simple villagers thrown into the prison.  Soon, over half of the village was either in prison or had felt the harsh lash.

Ioda laughed and laughed at the clever goblin’s evil tricks and the way it manipulated the foolish elder.  “Very good!  Your story had pleased me indeed!  Where did you say this village was?”

Tzen bowed again.  His soul dressed with excitement over the emperor’s compliment.  “It is a township only a day’s journey up the river.  It is called Shan-do.”

Another laughed escaped the emperor.  He turned to his nearest attendant.  “I have decided to relax for the next week.  I will be in my inner chamber and I do not wish to be disturbed for any reason.  Minister Chan will see to the palace’s affairs.”

Then Ioda looked back to Tzen.  “You are now a full member of my court.  You may leave and go as you will but when I return I want a poem on the magnificence of my court.  You are dismissed.” 

Tzen captured another brief glimpse of Ioda before turning toward the doorway.  He could see mischief welling up in Ioda’s mind.  The dragon had taken the bait.

Tzen slept the remainder of the day and arranged for a horse to ride that night.  But he had no intention of returning.  Tzen knew that Ioda was flying somewhere in the darkened skies above him. 

When Tzen arrived at the village of Shan-do, the people where in a squall about the discovery of a solid gold stature.  A sudden and severe storm had caused a mudslide and the statue was found with its golden brow showing from the mud. 

The villagers paraded the golden statue about inviting all to see then placed it in the elder’s home.

Tzen did not go to observe the golden god.  He knew that if Ioda was able to see he would recognize him and become suspicious.

A full moon illuminated the village that night.  Tzen sat outside the inn waiting for Ioda to move.  He sat around a corner so the dragon would not see him for Tzen’s soul would glow bright in the surrounding darkness.  Several hours after midnight, Tzen saw the golden stature climb from the elder’s window and run over to another’s home.
   
Tzen followed keeping to the shadows and avoiding being seen by any of the villagers. 

Tzen slid into the window and crept through the kitchen.  He peeked into the bedroom and saw Ioda resting just behind a pot.  The dragon’s spirit had entered into a sleep but still glowed against the room’s darkness.  Ioda’s soul would not stir again until it was touched by another soul.

Carefully, Tzen crept into the bedchambers.  There were other souls in the room but they were covered in the deep blue of slumber.  Tzen wrapped his hands in the hem of his robe before picking up Ioda’s still body.  He then turned and escaped the same way he came.

In the woods near Shang-do, Tzen unwrapped the dragon whisker from around his waist and bound the golden statue tight.  He was sure not to touch Ioda with his hand for fear of waking the dragon before he was finished. 

When all six-arm lengths of the whisker were tightly bound, Tzen went ahead and touched the top of Ioda’s body with his finger.  The powerful spirit inside the stature stirred. 

His gold body shook before discovering it was tied.  “What is this?  Where am I?  Who are…” At that instant, Ioda’s soul sight recognized his son.  “The poet of Xiolin?  Tzen!  What are you doing?  How did I not recognize you?”

“I am part dragon Ioda.  You gave me the dragon’s sight.  I recognized you the instant I saw your soul illegally perched on China’s throne.  My emotions were hidden from you although you could have seen though my disguise if you had been wary.  I do not know what you have done with the real emperor but your days of playing with China are ended.”  

Ioda laughed.  “Son, again you disappoint me.  I will simply shape change back to my dragon body.  Your leather bindings will snap like a silk thread.  A dragon kind cannot be leached by any human bond or idea!  I told your mother that when I left.  Did she teach you nothing about me?”

Tzen ran his fingers across the whisker.  “She taught me that you are mischievous and not worthy of trust.  And she taught me that a dragon whisker cannot be broken only plucked.  You are held tight by your own magic.”

A new color enveloped the anger in Ioda’s soul, it was a bright streak of fear.  Tzen felt the gold statue vibrate as it tried to change shape.  The whisker quivered then tightened under the unbelievable strain of Ioda’s magic.  But it would not give.

Tzen took the captive dragon to the river.  Using a small fishing boat, he navigated to the deepest part.  Ioda sat on the other side.  Streaks of brilliant emotions tore across his soul. 

“You cannot do this!  I am a dragon!  Tzen, stop!  You have proven yourself to be clever!  I’ll give you anything you desire!”

Tzen reached over, picked up the golden statue, and dropped it into the water. 

The master poet and scribe took the knowledge of Ioda’s tomb to the grave.  Since then, no dragon has meddled on such a scale with the affairs of men. 

Good Egg & Bad Egg 4

by Matt Teply on Monday, June 2nd, 2008

Two stories are being presented.  One is embossed with the gilded letters of truth.  The other etched into the gates of Hell by a forked chisel.  Which is which?

Egg #1- Some things are a little hard to explain…gravity, what’s in a hot dog, the smell coming from your brother’s room, and my actions on a Sunday during my 21st year. 

My head is a little like a bowling ball with a widow’s peak. Hats just never seemed to fit right.  I’ve even turned them backward in a vain effort to look cool.  The only hat that seems to work for me is a fur-lined fedora.  Unfortunately they won’t sell them to anyone under sixty-five.    

I finally found a regular ball cap that didn’t look like it was shrink wrapped to my head and I went a bit overboard with it.  It stayed on my head wherever I went.  The hat followed me to work and even the gym.

And then I did something I will never understand.

A friend of mine asked me to attend church with her.  She went to a large Southern Baptist church on the outskirts of Memphis.  There are strong norms associated with these church services one being; men do NOT wear ball caps to the SERVICE!

Only now do I finally understand why she kept introducing me and adding, “He’s really not from around here.”  Once she tried to pass me off as a foreigner, “You know he’s from Dakota.  Have you ever heard of it?”

Egg #2- I experienced a dating drought in college I called, “Available with No Car.”

When car keys eventually found their way into my pockets again, I wasn’t sure I even knew how to date.  It seemed easy enough: one part restaurant, one part movie, three parts stress sweat, and zero parts smoochy-smoochy.  (At least, that was the recipe handed down to me.)

One of my first dates involved a stop at a Mexican restaurant followed by the movie of her choosing.  I had caked the Machismo Man Musk (or some scent close to it, I can’t remember exactly) antiperspirant under my arms in the vain hope that I could thwart flop sweating.

It failed and before I picked her up, my underarms were sweating like a comic telling knock-knock jokes.  Keeping my elbows off the table at the eatery was no issue.  Near the end of our meal, I could feel the conversation opening up and my stress starting to abate.

We were sitting together in theater when a related problem arose.  I wasn’t sweating anymore but I had developed a strong case of body odor.  I excused myself to the bathroom.   I washed under my arms but it didn’t seem to help.

When I returned she looked at me and whispered, “Well, you know it’s not too forward to put your arm around me.”

My eyes grew wide and my throat clenched tight.  Then I had an idea. 

“Well I don’t know.” I began.  “I spilt some salsa on my shirt and the onion in it kind of smells.  Is that ok?  I tried to wash it off but it’s not coming.”

She replied, “Ok.”

My date didn’t say a word about noticing my odor the rest of the evening.  In fact, she really didn’t say much of anything. 

I don’t know whether she completely bought my silly ploy.  We never went out again and I switched brands of antiperspirant.
 
…So, which one’s the truth and which did I make up?  Also, ChiefDodo has visited Good Egg & Bad Egg 3.  Go find out the truth.