Dodo Eggs

I have an alter ego, a secret identity.

Sitting on the top of my classroom’s bookshelf is a large box that slips just over my shoulders.  I’ve cut two holes in the front about the size of candy bars to see and two holes in the sides just wide enough for my arms.  The facial features are drawn using nothing but a permanent marker and straight lines. 

When I wear it, I keep my elbows bent at ninety-degree angles and I stop bending my knees.  I named my robotic schtick “School-tar,” which was quickly changed to “School-tard.“ 

School-tard is available for parties, birthdays, or bar mitzvahs for $10.99 an hour plus all the cake I can eat. 

Where am I going with this?

Included in everyone’s job description are certain tasks that fall into one of two categories…completely useless or absolutely brainless.  Everyone can make a list.  For many tasks, it may be hard to designate just one.

I never thought I’d put parent-teacher conferences into these categories. 

Like many professionals in the educational field, I firmly believe that one of the greatest factors in a student’s success is parental involvement.  What I learned this year was that it isn’t possible for teachers to manufacture this involvement.

Parents either have a premium placed on education or they don’t.  One day sitting across from a table of teachers, nodding at suggestions, and making promises does not compensate for the other three hundred sixty-four days when nothing is said or done.     

Remember School-tard?   

I’ve decided to staple a pair of old slacks to the bottom of School-tard.  I’ll set a tape deck on the top of his box with thee available tapes: LAZY STUDENT, POOR STUDENT, and GOOD STUDENT.  This allows parents the option of hearing any of my speeches in any order they choose.  Talk about convenience!

Here’s a sampling of what I usually hear and how the tape would respond.

PARENT SAYS: “I didn’t know he was failing.”

SCHOOL-TARD RESPONDS:  (button is depressed, clicking sound)  “Try asking to see returned grades, progress reports, and report cards.  We’ve been doing this for years.  If you really want it from the source, just call the school and the teachers will return your message. 

Stop tape now for next statement.”  (click)
 
PARENT SAYS:  “I don’t know what to do with him.  We’ve taken everything away and he still isn’t acting right.”

SCHOOL-TARD RESPONDS:  (click)  “We are educational professionals and are unable to rear your child for you.  We suggest parental counseling and the appropriate head-lock or spanking. (static) I mean, time-out and loss of privileges. 

Stop tape now for additional statement from parents.”  (click)

PARENT SAYS:  “He tells me he doesn’t do anything at school and that he never has homework.”
 
SCHOOL-TARD RESPONDS:  (click) “Warning, the following answer contains sarcasm.  To maintain professional atmosphere, please stop tape and direct this statement to another teacher. 

Stop tape now.”  (pause) 

“That’s right madam or sir.  We do nothing with your child.  Each and everyday they come in, sit down, and we have a collective staring contest.  Congrats to you for accepting such a stupid idea from your twelve year old deviant. 

Stop tape now.” (click)

• Let The Children Come & Come & Come…
• Earning an F
• Failing Parents
• Teaching for Teachers
• The Club