Dodo Eggs

Someone once told me that a car could, “run on vapors.”  Meaning the gas tank is completely empty and yet gas fumes could keep the vehicle running at least for a little while.  I didn’t believe it then and I still don’t.

Human beings are little different but instead of fumes they burn hope.  They can press on when there is no substance behind thier goals.  They haven’t opened their Italian textbook for six years and yet they still plan on learning the language.  The ButtBlaster is still buried under a mountain of dirty clothes but putting it in the rummage sale is unacceptable.  A boy is three inches shorter than the girl he is after but he still plans on asking her out.

I like to say, “They’re running on fumes.”

Quinn had moved into my college dorm as a freshman.  He was excited about classes, friends, and especially a junior in the girl’s dorm named Linda.  All of us knew she wouldn’t look at Quinn twice but that didn’t keep him from trying to win her attention.

He was friendly but goofy.  Saying a bit too much in an effort to be a part of the conversation.  Laughing a decibel too loud when everyone else was only courtesy laughing.  Poor Quinn had yet to discover that he just wasn’t cool.

After work or classes, Quinn would disappear in the direction of the girl’s dorm always in hopes of seeing Linda.  She was always friendly although no one understood why.  The pained smile on her face told Quinn he was welcome but everyone else knew she wished he wasn’t there.

Her small kindness was enough to keep Quinn unknowingly “running on fumes.”

But Quinn had a dirty secret.  The guys in the dorm knew about it and to us it was more of a mystery.  Quinn would walk into the bathroom completely dressed, throw off his clothes right inside the curtain, and shower.  Then he would waltz out with all of his clothes in arm except for his underwear.

This was not an isolated occurrence!  Each and every time his white briefs were left near the shower drain or on the floor.  And there was no question they were dirty.  Bold streaks marked the inside. 

For most of us, this was confusing but for some it graduated into an annoyance. 

One day while Quinn was visiting the girl’s dorm, a student named Chris had to step over another pair of desecrated briefs and he lost his temper.  He took the broom from the kitchen and skewered the offending undergarments on the handle.  Chris marched over to the girls dorm with the underwear raised like a flag.

“Quinn!  Quit leaving your underwear in the bathroom!  I’m tired of stepping over this stuff!”

I was in the girl’s lounge with Quinn, Linda, and a few others.  Even with all the acne, Quinn’s face went white. 

“Th-that’s not mine!”

“Oh yes it is!  And everyone in the guy’s dorm knows it so pick it up!”  Chris dropped the underwear on the floor and left.   

Quinn continued to deny ownership but his protests were hollow and we all knew better. 

This event and the fact that Linda found a boyfriend emptied Quinn’s tank even of fumes.  But there’s no reason to feel sorry for Quinn.  When it came to attention from girls, Quinn showed that he wasn’t picky at all.  He chased other girls and eventually married.  I think he even procreated.

If I remember correctly, he recieved six hampers as wedding gifts.

• Male Studies (Letter 5)
• Inside the GHC
• Angelo
• Male Studies – Letter 12, Page 1
• Devil’s Lake Act Duce