Dodo Eggs

From the Desk of Dr. Norm DePlume
Medical Doctor, Specializing in Billing
Guest Speaker at the 2002 Amish Internet Extravaganza
Guest Judge at the 2002 Ms. Amish Bikini Pageant

Colleagues,

Our study of college males Binko and Zits experienced a near fatal misstep this week.  One of our female technicians fell through the false ceiling during a necessary readjustment of one of our cameras.   

Binko had developed a strange new behavior and our cameras were ill adjusted to record it.  This unusual routine appears to be a severe seizure but is instead just an odd role-play called “air guitar.”  My grad assistant could not help but note that in his closet there is a real guitar half buried by dirty laundry.

We sent a tape of this behavior to world renowned Dr. John Smith who informed us that, “The subject’s violent head movements were creating brain trauma similar to a rapid series of falls from a unicycle moving at 35 mph.” 

Our second subject, Zits was logging his fourteenth straight hour on his computer.  The game that had captured his attention involved simulated human beings.  These simulations depended on Zit’s input for every direction.  Computer records show Zit’s character had forgotten where the bathroom was and was routinely defecating in the corner of its computer-generated bedroom.

The problem arose when our technician lost her balance just as she was tightening the fastening on the camera’s bracket.  She grabbed the camera and fell through the foam ceiling panels.  She tumbled downward in a tangled mess of wires.  It is fortunate that a haphazard stack of pizza boxes broke her fall.

I was at Control Center at the time.  I radioed in to the technician’s earpiece giving her instructions to activate the emergency action plan “Sorority Rush.” 

“Ah, hi guys.”  She coughed a bit as her lungs readjusted to the noxious atmosphere.  She was equipped with an emergency respirator but chose not to use it.  “You clever guys caught me.  I’m from the sorority K-Y and, well since you hunks are so reclusive we figured we’d voyeur your room.”

Zits said nothing.  Instead he hurriedly instructed his simulated human to clean its bedroom while Zits deleted all the digital waste in the corner.

Binko dropped his air guitar.  His eyes grew wide and hopeful.  “W-would you like to go out?”

The assistant began slowly backing toward the door.  “Yes, well I would but the other girls would pull all my hair out.”

“I’ll still date you!  Girls in caps are hot.  I’ll shave my hair for you!”  Binko was attempting to back the technician into a corner.  “I’m in a band!”

I gave her the signal for the all clear. “If you can catch me, I’ll go out with you.”

She easily outpaced Binko and Zits.  The two males pursued the technician into the street wearing only briefs.  Both were physically unable to perform only fifty feet from the entrance of their dorm building.  This gave us time to install a dummy camera into wall and repair the ceiling and real surveillance equipment. 

For the next few weeks the focus of our research will be on the males attempts to impress unknown female observers.  Binko tattooed “I LOVE K-Y” on his posterior and Zits changed video games to a more macho first person shooter. 

The females on our staff indicated no greater levels of attraction.

 I’ll keep you abreast,

 Norm dePlume 

• Male Studies – Letter 7
• Male Studies (Letter 3)
• Male Studies (Letter 1)
• Male Studies – Letter 12, Page 1
• Male Studies – Letter 10