Male Studies (Letter 4)
From the Desk of Norm dePlume,
Professor of Astro-Biology and Extra Terrestrial Linguistics
Recipient, Participant’s Ribbon from the Nobel Junior Scientists Council, 2004
Sirs or Madams,
We have functionally titled our study of the typical college male, Statistical & Technical Initiative for Non-popular Knuckleheads. Interestingly enough, we call it project STINK.
The test males, Binko and Zits, have proved exceptionally adept at neglecting the personal growth they should be experiencing during one’s college experience. Instead of traveling, meeting new people, and experiencing the full spectrum of life’s offerings, they prefer their darkened dorm room and the decomposing world of role-playing games.
As one staff member said, “They’re mushrooms with body hair.”
In order to truly test the decidedly shallow nature of Zits and Binko’s relationship, we removed Binko for a period of four days. An attractive female currier was sent to deliver a letter on behalf the Fecal Stain Fan Club. It promised four nights in a two star hotel and all the pizza he could eat for a few short promotional appearances.
Without a second of rational thought (his band, Fecal Stain, had yet to release an album), Binko raced to the hotel.
A highly trained lab chimp named Tum-Tum was then dressed in a long wig and ugly T-shirt. Tum-Tum was released in the dorm room where it began swinging from the bunk beds. It then preceded picking and eating mites off of the back of Binko’s pillow.
Once Zits returned to the dorm Tum-Tum threw the covers over its head. It’s the learned response most closely associated with horror and disgust.
“Hey dude, I’ve got some extra mini burgers or two. There right here when you wake up.”
Zits tossed the paper bag onto the bed with Tum-Tum. Then Zits turned his attention to his computer.
With the offering of food, Tum-Tum’s revulsion changed to curiosity. Without taking off the wrappers, the primate ate the mini burgers then waddled over to kiss Zits’ hand. Kissing the hand was a learned response for gratitude.
“Dude, stop it! I’m on level seventy-two with a sixteenth strata knight casting a black arts level fifteen spell! You know what this means to me!”
Tum-Tum released Zits’ hand after becoming over stimulated by the fantastic images and colors on the computer monitor. The chimp later flipped through the level seventy-one game guide almost appearing as if it understood.
Unfortunately, we needed to conclude the test after only two days. Zits had managed to undo years of training by our animal psychologists. Currently, Tum-Tum only picks his nose and refuses to eat anything unless it’s covered in a stomach turning hybrid known as “chili-cheese.”
At no point during the test did Zits notice his roommate had been replaced with a chimpanzee.
Our study showed young males possess an incredible ability to focus on a single goal. However, their lack of judgment seems to draw them towards pursuits with the least estimable value.
Further information forthcoming,
Dr. Norm dePlume
June 8th, 2008 at 11:05 am
That sounds a lot like our dorm days. I saw Missy at church today and she told me about this site. The stories are great. Give me a shout when you can.