Male Studies (Letter 3)
From the Desk of Dr. Norm dePlume,
*Chairman of Dakota University – Medora Branch’s Remedial Studies Department, Ranked #1 School in the Nation for Studying Remedial Studies
*Winner, 2008 Wheelbarrow Award for Most Non-Designated Grant Money
Dear Sirs,
We are continuing our probe into the behavior of the nondescript college male. We have isolated two specimens who are providing us with tremendous data.
They live in a dorm room wired for us to unobtrusively monitor their behavior. They have taken to the accommodations calling it the “Virgin Trap.” Although by our count, 0 virgins have been trapped, 1394.3 hours have been spent discussing virgins.
Our first male, Binko has long hair that he washes (to our best estimates) whenever the moon rises full over the Northeast horizon. Oddly, this specimen fails to see the strong correlation between surplus hair and the need for increased upkeep. The female members of our staff would volunteer to show Binko proper care but they fear he would ask them for a date.
The second male is called Zits. Due to his skin care problems and lack of measurable personality, no other name was even considered. In fact, a small skirmish over who originated the name has erupted amongst our staff.
In order to raise these males’ attractiveness quotient, each subject has had an expensive, starched, button down shirt placed into his closet. These rouge elements hung beside the ugly, threadbare garments Binko and Zits normally wear.
Binko was the first to discover our new stimulus. He had just stepped in from the shower.
“Hey man, there’s some strange shirt in my closet. It looks expensive. Is it yours?”
Without turning from his computer, Zits replied, “No.”
“Huh.” Binko studied the shirt for a bit then replaced it. “Well I can’t wear it around my crew. I don’t do prep.”
His next act was to reach for a worn black T-shirt with the large likeness of a popular science fiction actor on the front.
Images of this shirt have been shown to over two hundred randomly selected women between the ages of 18-25. Approximately 110% of them responded in a highly negative manner. It’s a statistical anomaly we are still unable to explain.
When Zits finally came across his shirt, he mumbled, “Well, who will iron it after I wear it? Forget it.”
Although we failed to influence Binko and Zits behavior, we did learn that young males could be immune to the strongest of suggestions and/or resistant to the easiest opportunities. This earns Binko a brain density rating of 237 lbs per square inch with Zits coming in somewhere near 302 lbs. It has been an eye-opening week.
We shall keep you abreast,
Professor Norm dePlume
May 30th, 2008 at 10:07 am
Very interesting. At least Zits thought far enough in advance to realize no one would iron his shirt after he wore it…
JAT are you reading this?! ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
May 31st, 2008 at 9:00 am
I am strangely taken back to college….I think I knew these two….
June 1st, 2008 at 4:08 pm
I was wrong when I said that I thought I had read the Male Studies letters today. I would surely have remembered this. I sort of feel sorry for Binko and Zits….will they ever catch a break with the ladies?
July 25th, 2008 at 7:22 am
I read similar article also named Male Studies (Letter 3), and it was completely different. Personally, I agree with you more, because this article makes a little bit more sense for me