Dodo Eggs

Here’s another heaping helping of verbal protein.  Verbal protein is a necessary micronutrient found only in naturally occurring dodo eggs.  Apply the heat of any social situation and season to taste.   

Scenario Number One:  While walking down the hallway, an acquaintance or coworker offers a plastic smile.  He then mumbles, “How ya doin?”

I understand that in many parts of our fine nation this question really isn’t a question.  It isn’t really rhetorical either.  It’s just an extra polite, “Hello.” Strangely, I feel compelled to try and answer the question each and every time.   

Dynamic Quotation:  “Just trying to be cool.”  Or when the recipient is noticeably older than I am, “Fifty years from death and you?”

Further Application:  Don’t be shocked if your response gets no acknowledgement.  You weren’t supposed to reply anyway.

Scenario Number Two:  On many occasions, my server at a Mexican restaurant has politely placed a small bowl of salsa at my table then strolled off without any chips.  How am I supposed to enjoy the salsa?  Should I use a straw?  How do napkins taste dipped in salsa?

Thusly, how many times have you received something you asked for without the obvious second component?  When that happens, I reach for…

Dynamic Quotation:  “OK, here’s the salsa.  Where are the chips?”

Further application:  This also works when you receive only part of something when it was plain that the whole thing would be needed.  For instance, you are given a computer with no monitor or you find only one shoe.

Scenario Number Three:  Your cousin has long greasy hair and just graduated with a degree in business administration.  He believes that any number of Fortune 500 companies will be lining up to hire him.  You stress the idea of “professional appearance” but the hair covering his ears deflects your advice.

Dynamic Quotation:  “You can’t tickle a turtle.” Less refined variation, “You can’t teach a bird to piss.”

Further Application:  Anything that cannot be reasonably done is quickly dismissed by either of the above comments.

Scenario Number Four:  Your coworker has stopped by for the fourth time today to “borrow” candy from the small dish you keep in your office.  He keeps offering pithy little comments like, “Wow, I just can’t seem to keep from stopping for candy.”  What about, “Hmmm, you shouldn’t keep such good candy.  You’re going to make me fat!”

When it’s time to torpedo this joker, straighten you posture, adjust your tie, and with a straight face deliver…

Dynamic Quotation: “You’re a turd that doesn’t flush.”

Further Application:  This multi-purpose phrase is good for making your point and still maintaining a hint of humor.  I’ve had it paralyze offenders for several seconds. 

The few that have tried to laugh it off are told, “No, I’m serious.  The next time you bother me with this, I’m pulling out the plunger.”

• Lead Laced Tongue
• The Lead Tongue
• The Tungsten Tongue
• The Tin Tongue
• DumbKnuckle – Lesson 5