Dodo Eggs

The rules are simple.  I have two stories for you to read and enjoy.  Decide for yourself whether one or both are woven from my real life experiences or purchased with the vile currency of lies.  Remember, one story does not relate to the other.  If you trust in the first, do not automatically assume the other is false.

Special note:  The correct answers to Good Egg & Bad Egg I and II are posted in the comments of each post.  The ChiefDodo knows all.

Egg #1-

Tim and I have been exchanging insults for as long as we have known each other.  With lighthearted tones we catalogue each other’s faults and inadequacies gently slipping them into casual conversation. 

“Tim, I’ll be honest with you.  That goatee-like substance you’ve let grow on your face reminds me of a stadium with a fan in every fifth seat.  Maybe your wife’s mascara can fill in there a bit.”

“Thanks Matt.  I realize now that there was no way my simple showing of facial hair could match the tour-de-force that is your uni-brow.  I thought unchecked hair above the eyes went out with the Neanderthals.” He paused and pointed at towards my brow.  “After all, there’s no missing link between your eyebrows is there?”

Of course, both of us know where the belt is and no blow dips below it.

“Ouch Tim, that hurt.”

“I’m sorry.  There’s a banana in the kitchen.”

One criticism Tim can’t dodge is his chronic procrastination.  To him, there will always be tomorrow.  If there isn’t, then he’s not wasting his last today on landscaping, garage cleaning, or car washing.

The problem went so far as the naming his first daughter.  For months, Tim would tell anyone who asked that the child’s name was a secret.

I knew better.  “You still don’t have a name do you?  At least you don’t have to come up with a last name.”

“Shut up, we bought a book!”

When the baby girl was born, Tim and his wife still hadn’t negotiated a name.  Nine months had come and gone and after countless opportunities for thought (mowing the lawn, sitting in the bathroom, driving to work…) there was still no name.  The nursing staff just used their last name followed by girl at first.  Eventually, they just wrote “Female X” on the baby’s pink name card.

Tim and his wife ended up staying in the hospital an extra two days because the hospital would not let them check out without a name on the birth certificate.

I had to say something.  “Tim, each extra day in the hospital is costing you a fortune.  Just pick a name.  Try Sally, Ursula, René, Storm or ShagQuesha.  Just look at the child and call it like you see it.”

Tim bent close and looked at his daughter’s delicate features.  His wife was gently rubbing a thin coat of baby oil over some dry skin on the baby’s belly.

He took a deep breath.  “I like the smell of baby oil.  How about Olivia?”

Egg #2-

Imagine how much fun a parade is when you’re two and a half.  The floats are four times bigger!  The styles and colors of antique cars are brand new to you!  And their throwing candy at you! 

When you have no concept of money what else is there?

My wife and son attended a small town parade a couple of days ago.  Fire trucks rolled down main street with red lights spinning and short blasts from the siren.  It was enough to send my boy into ecstatic shock.  (It’s a zombie like condition where the brain locks down on particular stimuli.  Good parents need to check for breathing.)

The only real snag was the absence of candy.  Almost none of the cars, tractors, and rolling promotions threw the sweet confections. 

It was an omission my son did not fail to air, “CANDY!  TROW CANDY!  TROW CANDY!”

When a few did grace the children with sweets, the boy raced about with his peers bringing back not only candy but whatever sticky trash was found on the street.

The finale was a pickup truck with workers from the state parks department.  The park rangers waved and threw what I believe to be the most unique parade prize of all time…fly swatters.  Kids ran and squealed in their quest to acquire orange, plastic fly swatters. 

Maybe next time they can toss roach motels.

• A Good Use for a Forked Tongue
• Good Egg & Bad Egg #7
• Good Egg or Bad Egg?
• The Sweet Find
• Good Egg or Bad Egg? (Part II)