Dodo Eggs

This post is part of an archive.  To read the current version, we recommend ‘Lead Laced Tongue.’

 Nothing casts so gracious a light upon a man’s brow as saying the right thing at the right time.  It’s the perfectly fitting piece to a jumbled puzzle of competing voices.  It makes your case and clads your point in stainless steel. 

 A shrewd man once quoted another by saying, “Borrowed wisdom is always better than the dung you were going to say.”

 Scenario Number One:  Your coworkers are discussing a difficult problem that has development of your new supercomputer at a complete standstill.  Groups of engineers are looking at the beta type and blue prints and saying something about reversing the polarity.  You have no idea what the problem is because you’ve been learning to juggle your collection of stress balls for the last three weeks.

 Suddenly, they all turn to you and ask, “Bob, what do you think the problem is?”

 Dynamic Quote:  “It looks like there’s a little play in the mechanism.”

 Further Application:  Use this handy phrase whenever anyone asks you to diagnose problems with cars, computers, home electronics, economic recovery plans, and recipes.  If they ask you to clarify, simply restate the quote, “I said, it looks like there’s a little PLAY in the MECHANISM.” 

 Scenario Number Two:  A new supervisor has been hired for your department, restaurant, or school.  His first long oration revolves around finding the “right people for my new ideas.”  Everyone with three years of experience knows that means extra responsibilities with no extra pay.  If your job is secure, step into his office, look around a bit confused, and say…

 Dynamic Quote:  “Wait, this isn’t the men’s bathroom!”

 Further Application:  As long as it isn’t over used, his quote has lesser value anytime you waltz into a meeting a bit late.  It amuses and deflects from the fact that you were running a bit late.

 Scenario Number Three:  One of your coworkers has a proposal that has “apocalyptic failure” written all over it.  You are asked your opinion.

 Dynamic Quote:  “I’d rather teach roaches to do circus tricks on a street corner in Haiti.”

 Further Application:  In recent tests, this verbiage has been found ineffective in relieving spouses of household chores.  Tests indicated subjects still had to take out the trash.  This quote is best left to shoot down suggestions from people who cannot physically harm you.

 Scenario Number Four:  The following quote is best kept under glass with emergency decals plastered across it.  It is guaranteed to bring any group conversation to a screeching halt.  You instantly become the center of attention and the previous subject of conversation is completely forgotten.

 Dynamic Quote: “Hey, guess who I saw picking his nose while he was driving to work?”

 Further Application:  This quote adjusts well to any and all social situations but it must be used only in dire circumstances.

• Lead Laced Tongue
• The Tungsten Tongue
• The Platinum Tongue
• DumbKnuckle – Lesson 1
• The Tin Tongue