Dodo Eggs

This post is part of an archive.  To read the current version, we recommend “DodoEgg Plant.”

There’s something about lists that appeals to people. It’s a soft spot or a faulty connection built into the human brain. It really doesn’t matter what the subject is if it’s a ranked list you’ll stop and look. In an effort to prove my point, here’s the top 10 MOST IMPORTANT VEGTIABLES!

1. Potato (From fried, to mashed, to baked, if a big bowl isn’t present at most meals you’ll hear about it.)
2. Tomato (While technically a fruit, it knew it couldn’t compete with oranges and strawberries so it switched leagues. Its misguided forays into juice are well documented.)
3. Onions (While off limits while you’re dating, this is one of the perks of getting married and not caring anymore.)
4. Corn (A vegetable still pissed about the fact that candy corn tastes like wax.)
5. Peppers, Green or Otherwise (Like a Latino gang, most seem mild but eventually you will mess with the wrong one.)
6. Beans (The entire bean family has filed a libel suit against school kids for a reputation marred by flatulent comments and mean-spirited nursery rhymes.)
7. Lettuce (It’s big secret is that it has almost no nutritional value. Covering it in ranch is paramount to a diet soda and large fries.)
8. Carrots (Too bad Bugs Bunny only votes once.)
9. Celery (Famous for burning more calories than it provides, which means the partially hydrogenated peanut butter is OK!)
10. Broccoli and Cauliflower (Little known fact: only edible when covered in cheese.)
11. Peas (Wanted to make the top ten but its communal, hippy, utopian upbringing bothered the judges.)
12. Spinach (Rumor that it causes severe swelling in forearms is untrue.)
13. Asparagus (Voted MVP of the all-vegetable basketball league. Less successful on people’s plates.)
14. Radishes (Death wish with a root.)

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